It was one of those days wherein they say: “The shit hits the fan.”
We were enjoying our breakfast; I was watching her eating with her own hands.
We were making great time just like we used to from our yesterday.
But it all ended when I decided on things that I wanted to say.
It was during dessert; that was when I started teasing her.
She was leaving tonight; I thought it was time for me to clear the blur.
It turned out that I was rushing; I didn’t have a clue to what I was getting into.
It suddenly got too serious; it wasn’t where I wanted to get into.
I teased her about her sweetness, that’s what started it all out.
She became sad when she explained to me, it wasn’t something I was yearning for, the fact that I wanted out.
It was getting sadder, from the exchange; I wanted to take her out.
If I had just known that I was only digging deeper, I could have bailed myself out.
There was this question that day that had her give that answer; I can’t even remember what it was.
She reminded me of her battles, what she wants to do after winning; when she does.
I acknowledged it again; showed her that I remember and that nothing’s stopping her.
“Not even me” that was the assurance I willingly gave to her.
She told me very nice things about us and I felt that it was getting to more than okay.
There were also some problems but I never figured it going the other way.
After every hurt I might come across comes this statement: “‘Di kasi kita matiis.”
A wall greater than China’s, between us, suddenly started to exist.
I asked her if she remembers what I said about giving me a good reason to let go.
She nodded although I wished she didn’t. It was reaping exactly what I did sow.
It wasn’t what I wanted but I know it was what she said she needed.
Time to find herself, just to be free and of everything, to just let go.
I thought I saw her eyes fill up with tears.
I’m not sure about that but I was shaking when I realized my own fears.
I’ve fallen for her; it was part of my own plans.
What I didn’t know that to love her was to let go of her hands.
With a final sip of water and a breath of cold air,
I wanted to ask her something but decided to give her another stare.
I then did ask her: “So I think it’s time for me to go?”
She looked at me with those sad eyes I saw and told me yes, it was time to let go.
My mind was filled up with reasons, reasons that I had for my own.
Selfish questions, really selfish if decided, on the table, them, to put on.
I just sat there shaking as I was fighting off my demons.
It was hell and grace in front of me; I had to make the right decision.
Then love whispered to my ear and things suddenly became so clear.
This person, in front of me, who to me is so dear,
Just wants to be happy with herself
At least once, through the lifespan of her years.
I now understand the pain of what she was doing.
The happiness of others, it was her life’s work, what was keeping her from moving.
But this time she wants to make her own self her top priority.
And it’s time for me to give way, in exchange for my sins, and make myself my least priority.
I took another breath, finally stood up and said that it’s time for us to go.
I wanted to hold her hand but kept my distance because it’s not what I was supposed to show.
I joined her while waiting for, then watched her get into her ride.
I watched her go, wanting to come with her but managed to keep myself on the side.
I thought, dreamt and am still thinking about her.
Writing this letter, remembering the great times we had together.
Missing her is not as easy as making something like this because of loneliness
What more to wish that she finds her own self with safety, fun, luck and brings her happiness?